Oh Happy Day!
Mood:  happy
Ok, so yesterday was me and Randy's 17 month anniversary. How exciting!
Thats a month away from a year and a half, for all you none-math wizzes.

Went out to celebrate. Have the best time ever! Ok, so we went to Reggies, and thats only sooo much fun at one time. But it was! Especially when that girl was staring me down in the corner, after she stole MY seat...ok, so i did go to the bar and completely block her in and order a drink for about 10 minutes and talk about her while she was sitting right there.
But, she was a hore. and everyone needed to know it.
and yes, i know that for a fact.

Ok, getting a little harsh.

But, anyways,
back to the point. Anniversary.

So, he cooked me dinner and I made him his favorite home made cookie cake...we are a good pair.

So, yes, I love him. He loves me. And I just want to share that with everyone.
And, yes, we are going out again tonight! haha.

Hope you all find that love that you can't let go of, and you can't get a hold of at the same time.
Fight for it. No matter how much it hurts.
You know when they are worth it.

Much Love to you All.
And Happy 17 month Anniversary Baby if you are reading this, which I doubt, but anyways.

Just not so lucky these days
Mood:  blue
Ok, so I have about had it up to hear with the shitty ass luck I have had lately. And I know no one wants to read about down-and-out stuff, but you like it on the real world! Why not me?? haha..

No, so, I am just bummed. But I am like so happy at the same time. I think I just want so much from people that anything they do will be a disappointment to me. You know?

I just have so many emotions running through me, this silly blog thing helps because there is some imaginary feeling that someone out there is reading this besides me, and they understand and sympathize.

So, I wrote this thing recently and I want to share it with someone. The only person that I read it to was Randy, and it made him cry. Wow, since he doesn't cry. So, its kinda long, but here goes:

So recently I’ve discovered that no matter what someone does to you, or no matter how many times you hate them for hurting you in the stupid ways, you always forgive them. You never forget, however.
I love my boyfriend to death, but I just hate him sometimes for making me question him. I don’t think he realizes it or does it on purpose, but I think he just doesn’t think.

I also recently came to the conclusion that I hate other people’s opinions. They aren’t in this relationship, so what the hell do they know what is best for me or him or us.

I love to love, but love can hurt. Love can kill. Ok, that’s a little too dramatic. But, I can say that love is a scary thing…no one wants to be hurt and no one wants to hurt anyone else. But, its inevitable. Someone will always get hurt. He will always see a girl that he “knew” before you, and being the gentleman he is, he will tell her hello. And, that will hurt you, and you will hate him for that. But, you soon realize, after fighting with him, that its not him who you are mad at, it’s the stupid girls who are unhappy with their lives, and have to unconsciously or sometimes consciously make an effort to ruin the Cinderella relationship that the two of you have created together.

And he will always be mad at you when he finds a picture from 1995, when you each lived in different cities, and had no idea that each other existed, of you and some random guy that even on your best day can’t remember why you were hanging around him, or sometimes even his name.

And you will always be jealous of each other, and after years or months of absolute breath taking love together, you will let every little detail affect how you feel about that person. From my perspective, that is love. Love is every feeling, every moment, every emotion possible that you can experience with one person, even when they are not around. You feel as if they have abandoned you when they are not around, when they are probably thinking of you at the same time. You feel lonely when you are in the bath tub and they are watching tv, cause you want them to join you at the hip and never go away. You want them in your arms, especially in the moments when you don’t want them around because someone looked at you wrong today, or you knew you were having a bad hair day or feeling a little bloated and jealous that you couldn’t wear “that” skirt.

Love is the most natural high and the most amazing feeling that you will ever experience…and it sucks all at the same time. You can’t concentrate, you can’t function properly, and you certainly can’t shut up about it…and you know the odd thing about it…you never feel or think that the person you are in love with feels exactly the same way that you do.

But when you step back for a moment and look at how he or she treats you, your entire perspective changes. for example, you think that he isn’t thinking of you, but he will skip out on his friends to stay home with you while you watch Real World re-runs, instead of chugging beers and watching football on his best friends wide-screen. And he won’t complain either, but even then, all you can do is ask “What’s wrong? Are you mad you are here with me? Why don’t you just go with them? Blah blah blah…”

And he will gladly answer the phone when his best friend calls and say, no man, I’m staying home with my girl…and it’s not even because he thinks he is getting something from you…it’s just because he would actually rather stay home with you.

_______

And thats why no matter what, I'll always love him. Because when someone else gets me down, he has my back. Even if its him getting me down.
I love you Baby.

Better Days Ahead
Mood:  chillin'
Ok, so apparently yesterday I had a little fire running through me cause I tore a new asshole into some people...But, it was only fair.

Today, I am much better. I just won't sit back and let someone make a comment anymore. I have been through enough with my own life, that I don't need it from people that have never experienced it.

It's not a game or a joke, its someone's life.
It's not worth messing up.

On a lighter note, I am going to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory tonight...and I hope to not be disappointed in all the changes they made. I loved the movie as a kid..hell, I have the original version on VHS..who owns a VHS anymore?! ... so, I hope its worth the $30 to see a freakin movie these days...ok, maybe a little less, but it feels like it. I have to save up to go to the movies! haha!

Anyways, brighter days are ahead in my book becuase there is one thing that you can't take away and you can never have that is mine...and that's the love and happiness that only Randy gives to me, I give to him, and we have with each other.

He told me last night that there is no one else he could ever love. Even if we weren't together. And I know its true, because he has my heart and no one else can ever replace that. And no one else can ever fill that spot.

Its an amazing feeling, and it keeps me going.
No matter what fight, or what things people say... we always end up together.

People dream of the love we found...and we didn't create it or even go out looking for it..
we stumbled upon it, and that's the greatest and truest love of all.

Not a Good Idea on YOUR PART
Mood:  irritated
Note to everyone:
I have never been a bitch to anyone...but you say one thing about a racial comment and you are officially on my bad list...I don't take shit from nobody because there is one thing that I have that you don't...
happiness.
All you people are so freaking scared to love something different and then all you can do is knock it behind my back, sometimes joke to my face, and not think for one second that the only reason you are saying anything about it is because you are unhappy, whether you see it or not. When I have people wishing they were me because they know that their "perfect" world will never be perfect, and they see how fucked up and happy I am at the same time, all they can do is make some joking comment about my fiances skin color.
It's not funny, it's not a joke...it's my LIFE, and unfortunetaly for you, you will never be a part of it. This is my life, me decisions, and my happiness...stop trying to take it away. I don't want to be with YOUR average, you think you like him, maybe your happy, he prolly cheats on you, doesnt have real feelings, and has no clue what an ounce of truly loving someone means, stupid ass life. I didn't chose it because it's not MINE.
I am happy, and you should be too. Find someone that makes you happy, no matter what their age, color, race, height, weight, hairstyle, or whatever! And get the hell away from me with your jokes and negative ass comments that have no relevance to me. You are not my friend. You are someone who thinks they know me and thinks they sound cool. You are someone I will never be. And thats why you make the comments you do. You wish you had my strength, my heart, my caring, my life, my love, my stories, my experiences...becuase that would give you something worth waking up for and living for.
I have that because I love truly, honestly, deeply, and without stipulations. Have a great life with your standards.
Learn how to open up and leave your opinions to yourself becuae basically, you are a bitch. Not me.

What is not good on YOUR PART is to think that because I am always the sweet nice quiet girl, I am damn well going to put you in your place if you even think about making a comment about me and Randy.
You know whats even worse, that I am wasting my time venting about stupid people because I like who I am with because he isnt your dumbass boyfriend or you!
Leave me the hell alone about racial issues.
Get a new person to mess with cause in case you havent figured out yet, I dont take no shit!
I grew up, and I figured out my life and made the bets decision of my life being with the man that I love. he is greater than anyone you will ever find and his skin is the best part, because while you lay in the sun for hours trying to look like him, he is laughing at you for once. Think about that one.
You wouldnt date one, but you would love to look like them. Conversation over.

Happy Friday!
Mood:  happy
Hello everyone...I don't know if you are as happy as I am that it is Friday, but after the week of hell at my lovely..actually not-so-lovely..job, I am exstatically overjoyed with the fact that I get to lay in bed all weekend, with the slight possibility that I might do something else than watch real-world reruns, and get my ass out of bed long enough to eat or shower...and I am plagued with the decision to spend five dollars on learning how to play texas-hold em...while I will simply be the only person to just donate the five dollars because there is pretty much no chance in hell that i will catch on and the probability of everyone kicking my ass and robbing me of five dollars if looking quite good.
Or, I could spend the five dollars on entry to a bar...who am I kidding, I could keep the five dollars becuase Randy is going to pay my entry into a bar...but, in fairness the the decision making process, lets stick with me spending the five dollars some other way...
So, play poker or drink. Have a good time or have a hangover. Make fun of myself or make fun of other people. Such a tough decision.
But, since Randy has vowed to not go out until school starts...(everyone laughing?)...I suppose we will try to play poker...which in turn costs 10 dollars now that we are both playing...oh the agony.

Ok, so my thought of the day:
sometimes you have to do what you dont want, but look at the bright side..it will be over before you know it, and now that you are 21 there is always an escape from reality if you are too plastered to notice. SO, suck it up and try to have fun. Change can be good. At least you can say you did it.

Oh and by the way: I still love him...thought I wasn't gonna mention it eh? Nah...It will always appear here! Laterz:)

My Whole Life Has Changed
Mood:  crushed out
July 14, 2005
So I decided to start this journal because everyday something interesting seems to happen to me, and sometimes not happen when they should. My life is all too complicated to not share it with someone. And, I bet somehow, sometime, someway, you will be a part of this, and as you read about yourself, not knowing in particular that it is you, you will finally realize how the smallest decisions lead to the biggest misunderstanding or complication, and sometimes even perhaps the happiest moments.
As many of you know, I am in a relationship…well, practically married…with Randy. Lots of you have met him, and quite possible been a friend of his or something else that shall remain nameless. We had a talk about the “past” last night and why it is so damn hard to get over it, when we weren’t even together. But, I think we are getting to that point where we realize that both of us had a past…its not one sided. Ok, I am getting to that point. He has already been there. I am not afraid to admit it, I am only human. But, in all fairness, his past has been a little bit more extensive than mine, which is OK, because as of last night I figured out a good way to put things: it is great that we both had experiences before each other, because we got to make our mistakes, so now we can be perfect for each other. (good way to put it, huh?) And what’s great about it is that we can talk about our “mistakes” and realize that we made them when we didn’t know we were going to meet each other. Honestly, we weren’t ready for a relationship…the I wanna get married, lets have kids, I need to save money for a house, kind of relationship… and if we would have been together before now, then we wouldn’t have fallen in love. We would have used each other and called it a “mistake”. But, now, we can talk on the phone for hours and almost die waiting to see each other, even though we just spent the last 8 hours in each others presence. I think that we made the best decision, and the worst decision at the same time. I almost don’t want him sometimes, because it is hard to imagine the person you are spending your life with, with someone else. But, in the deepest crevice of my heart, I know that nothing could change the way I feel about him. The mistakes before each other were like falling off a bike until we perfected it. It didn’t mean anything, but that we weren’t ready to ride it yet. We both know that we never loved anyone before each other, which leads to another problem…we are each other’s first love, which can be complicated in itself. But, you just have to remember that you love each other, whether a first love or not… people who have been married sometimes don’t know what love is. Love is different for everyone, so the first love can be the perfect love.
I know that this is the perfect love from when: we visit each other at work, when we talk on the phone, when he gives me “that” smile, when I rub the back of his neck cause I like the way it feels, when I rub his ear lobe because I know it aggravates him but it will instantly make him smile, when he calls me chi chi and no one but us knows what it means, when we are fighting and then we both break out in laughter because neither of us can keep a straight face, when we feel so comfortable around each other we forget that at one time we used to act of our best behavior to impress each other, when he can tell something is wrong in my voice, and I try to play it off, but when I get home there are flowers waiting and he is ready to listen just for me to get it out of my system, because he knows that whatever I was mad about wasn’t worth being mad over, when I finally admit that he is right and he is so shocked that he can’t speak, when I argue to the end that I am right and all he can do is give me “that” smile again because he thinks its cute that I argue even when he let it go, when I tell him that I never lived until I met him, and he responds with the most powerful and truthful I love you that you have ever heard, as tears roll down his eyes and we both know that he doesn’t cry, when my uncle died and all he could do was hold me tighter because he doesn’t want to lose me, when our friends toast to US in the bar because they crave the love that we stumbled upon…… and so much more.