My Whole Life Has Changed
Mood:  crushed out
July 14, 2005
So I decided to start this journal because everyday something interesting seems to happen to me, and sometimes not happen when they should. My life is all too complicated to not share it with someone. And, I bet somehow, sometime, someway, you will be a part of this, and as you read about yourself, not knowing in particular that it is you, you will finally realize how the smallest decisions lead to the biggest misunderstanding or complication, and sometimes even perhaps the happiest moments.
As many of you know, I am in a relationship…well, practically married…with Randy. Lots of you have met him, and quite possible been a friend of his or something else that shall remain nameless. We had a talk about the “past” last night and why it is so damn hard to get over it, when we weren’t even together. But, I think we are getting to that point where we realize that both of us had a past…its not one sided. Ok, I am getting to that point. He has already been there. I am not afraid to admit it, I am only human. But, in all fairness, his past has been a little bit more extensive than mine, which is OK, because as of last night I figured out a good way to put things: it is great that we both had experiences before each other, because we got to make our mistakes, so now we can be perfect for each other. (good way to put it, huh?) And what’s great about it is that we can talk about our “mistakes” and realize that we made them when we didn’t know we were going to meet each other. Honestly, we weren’t ready for a relationship…the I wanna get married, lets have kids, I need to save money for a house, kind of relationship… and if we would have been together before now, then we wouldn’t have fallen in love. We would have used each other and called it a “mistake”. But, now, we can talk on the phone for hours and almost die waiting to see each other, even though we just spent the last 8 hours in each others presence. I think that we made the best decision, and the worst decision at the same time. I almost don’t want him sometimes, because it is hard to imagine the person you are spending your life with, with someone else. But, in the deepest crevice of my heart, I know that nothing could change the way I feel about him. The mistakes before each other were like falling off a bike until we perfected it. It didn’t mean anything, but that we weren’t ready to ride it yet. We both know that we never loved anyone before each other, which leads to another problem…we are each other’s first love, which can be complicated in itself. But, you just have to remember that you love each other, whether a first love or not… people who have been married sometimes don’t know what love is. Love is different for everyone, so the first love can be the perfect love.
I know that this is the perfect love from when: we visit each other at work, when we talk on the phone, when he gives me “that” smile, when I rub the back of his neck cause I like the way it feels, when I rub his ear lobe because I know it aggravates him but it will instantly make him smile, when he calls me chi chi and no one but us knows what it means, when we are fighting and then we both break out in laughter because neither of us can keep a straight face, when we feel so comfortable around each other we forget that at one time we used to act of our best behavior to impress each other, when he can tell something is wrong in my voice, and I try to play it off, but when I get home there are flowers waiting and he is ready to listen just for me to get it out of my system, because he knows that whatever I was mad about wasn’t worth being mad over, when I finally admit that he is right and he is so shocked that he can’t speak, when I argue to the end that I am right and all he can do is give me “that” smile again because he thinks its cute that I argue even when he let it go, when I tell him that I never lived until I met him, and he responds with the most powerful and truthful I love you that you have ever heard, as tears roll down his eyes and we both know that he doesn’t cry, when my uncle died and all he could do was hold me tighter because he doesn’t want to lose me, when our friends toast to US in the bar because they crave the love that we stumbled upon…… and so much more.